Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lotof red wine
and suffer fewerheart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two
Englishmen are waiting.

"Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The
two Englishmen just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted and frustrated.  The first
Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a
foreign language..."

"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and that didn't
do him any good!" !!!!!!

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.


SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping,
looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.


BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from
your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.


ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available
at retail prices.


McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been
thrown out of car windows.


And the absolute belter for last WOMEN Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy
to hoover the house after you've been banged.

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it.
If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.


CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.


RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.


DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen.
Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.


WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine?
Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.


SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.


MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL.
You will never see it again.


BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.


EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.


MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.


GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.


BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.


BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.


ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.


DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically.
This should help the car start and send them on their way.


PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.


CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or
under a seat.


DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.


MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large
shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

At last! A decent chain letter, as opposed to normal chain
letters/pyramid schemes. Costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply
send this e-mail, gentlemen, to nine of your friends. (Ladies can read
too to learn about the marvellous adventure on which you're going.)

INSTRUCTIONS

Anaesthetize your wife, put her in a large carton (with ventilation
holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list.

Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive
823,542 women through the mail.

Statistically, among those women, will be at least: 0.5 Miss Worlds, 2.5
international models, 463 wild nymphos, 3,234 good-looking nymphos,
20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms and 40,198 bi-sexual women. In total,
that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier
than   the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your
original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to
you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER

One gentleman for example who sent the letter to only five instead of
nine of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old
dressing-gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and
the same accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the
international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old
girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not
sent the chain letter).

As I write this letter, the bloke who is 6th place above me has already
received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion.
Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL
 
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life.
No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities
(that only interest women). No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and
no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not
hesitate...send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

P.S. - Even if you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum-cleaner
- one of the other women who arrives will know how to use it.

PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can
prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake
. . .